It’s one night after In Your House: D-Generation X, we’re in Portland, Maine for tonight’s Raw, and it sounds like Jim Ross might be losing his voice. He’s joined by Michael Cole and Kevin Kelly.
And here comes WWF Owner Vince McMahon, not seen much since Survivor Series, to make some sort of announcement. He hears some loud boos. He also says there’s no denying the popularity of Stone Cold Steve Austin (huge cheers), but he’s been getting away with murder (huge boo’s) and has been attacking WWF officials (huge cheers) and even announcers (huge cheers), including McMahon himself (crowd explodes).
Last night Austin went too far, McMahon says, by endangering the life of WWF fans by driving his truck through the arena and down to the ring. Which he did once before, right? Oh, he used the truck as a weapon against his opponent(s). The crowd loves it. McMahon says Austin gave a referee the Stone Cold Stunner last night, inadvertently, and while the ref was coming to and ready to disqualify Austin, a second ref ran in and counted to three while Austin has the Rock pinned.
McMahon: “Therefore tonight, live here on Raw, I am demanding that Stone Cold Steve Austin defend the Intercontinental Championship against the individual that some of you feel as though he is the people’s champion, making reference to the Rock, right here tonight on Raw.”
Glass shatters, and here comes Austin.
JR: “Can you say ‘Latrell Sprewell?’”
That’s amazing. If you don’t know, Sprewell was an NBA player who got suspended for choking his coach during practice. Anyway, Austin power-walks down the ramp, tosses the belt in the ring, and then comes through the ropes and climbs on a few ring posts to bask in some applause. McMahon almost leaves the ring. He’s shitting himself.
McMahon: “You got something to say?”
Austin: “Let me see if I got this straight. With all the damn explosions going on back there, I thought you said you ordered Steve Austin to do something.”
Austin: “Shut up. You wanna understand right now, Stone Cold Steve Austin does what he wants when he wants. I don’t give a rat’s ass who you are, personally.”
McMahon: “Well, I’ll tell ya who I am. I’m the proud owner of the World Wrestling Federation, and furthermore Mr. Austin, I’m your boss.”
Austin: “That doesn’t impress me one bit, and frankly I don’t give a damn.”
McMahon: “Well then let me make a little clearer for you then, alright? Then you just might give a damn about the consequences if you don’t defend the Intercontinental Championship here tonight.”
Austin: “What would those consequences be, punk?”
McMahon: “I don’t want to have to get into that, alright?”
Austin: “Well let me tell you something, you talk about your consequences all this and that like you’re some kind of big shot, Stone Cold’s got his own consequences. If anybody wants to see Vince McMahon get his ass whipped, give me a hell yeah! [Crowd goes nuts]. In case you didn’t hear ‘em, they said ‘Aw, hell yeah!’”
McMahon: “Now that’s something else I’ve been meaning to talk to you about, your language!”
Austin: “Dammit, Vince, you’re right.”
McMahon: “I said your language!”
Austin: “Hell, son, I’m trying to apologize. [Austin’s audio cuts out briefly as he continues cussing]. Hold the damn microphone up. We ain’t out here to talk about my language. What we’re out here talking about is a set of consequences and me defending the Intercontinental Championship. I won the damn thing fair and square last night. I ain’t gonna give you an answer right now. You’re worried about your precious little ratings with Stone Cold being in your ring. I’m gonna take my ass back stage, I’m gonna pop the top on a beer, I’ll probably eat a hot dog or two, and while you sweat it out and think about your consequences, I’ll come out later in the show and give you an answer. But I’m telling you this, if Stone Cold comes back out, somebody’s gonna get their ass whipped. It might be you, Jim Ross, it might be your precious little official in his stripped shirt, and you can damn well bet your bottom dollar, son, it might be your sorry ass.”
Austin takes a few steps toward a referee outside of the ring and chases him a bit. Coming up tonight, some wrestling stuff! And this!
Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal) vs. Godwinns (Henry Godwinn and Phineas Godwinn with Tag Team Champions Road Dogg Jesse James and Bad Ass Billy Gunn)
The bell rings and all four men go at it, but only for a few seconds, as Henry and Animal stay in the ring to start this one off. Hawk and Phineas get in the ring, and just kind of wail at each other without bending their elbows. It looked weird and like they were making fun of mentally challenged people. Hawk goes for a risky move off the top ropes, and Phineas moves at the last second.
The Godwinns take Animal out of the ring and whip him into the steel steps. The lights go out. Organs. Explosions. Here comes Kane and Paul Bearer. JR says the Godwinns have left and Hawk is in the ring by himself while Animal is getting treated outside of the ring. Kane wastes no time! He walks in the room, kicks Hawk in the midsection and piledrivers him!
Hawk jumps right back up, and Kane chokeslams him! Kane lifts him up and gives him a tombstone piledriver. He and Bearer walk up the ramp and leave. Kane’s the best.
Hawk is motionless in the ring. Gunn and Dogg get back in the ring, kick him a little bit and Animal gets back in the ring with a chair. The tag champs leave. Hey, they’re both wearing South Park t-shirts. Nothing says bad ass rebel in 1997 like a South Park shirt. Awesome job, fellas.
After a commercial break, Gunn and Dogg are still in the ring, and Dogg has a microphone. He says they have proved that there is no competition in the tag team division, and he calls Legion of Doom “O.L.D.” Get it? Then they sing “Na-na-na-na na-na-na-na hey hey hey goodbye.” Dogg says the only thing left for them is singles competition, so anyone who wants to come down to the ring will fight Billy Gunn.
Bad Ass Billy Gunn vs. Dude Love
Hey, it’s Dude Love! Road Dogg says he wanted just one guy to come out, not three. Gunn attacks early and doesn’t let Dude get in the ring. Gunn beats Dude around the ring and Dogg joins the announce team. They get in the ring and Gunn continues dominating. He backs Dude in the corner, charges and jumps, but Dude moves and Gunn slams into the corner. Dude takes over, slamming Gunn’s head into the corner 10 times.
Dude starts stomping his foot, signaling for Sweet Shin Music. He goes for it, but Gunn trips him and drives him face-first into the mat. Dude gets up, connects with Sweet Shin Music and then hits the double-arm DDT and pins for the victory.
Dogg gets in the ring with a chair and blasts Dude Love’s head. The tag champs then place both title belts over Dude’s face, Gunn climbs to the top ropes and leg drops onto those belts.
After a break, Rock is backstage with the Nation of Domination, and it looks like someone bought a new pair of sunglasses!
He says he guarantees he’ll leave the building tonight with the Intercontinental title, calls himself the people’s champion and raises his eyebrow to show he’s serious. Or something.
Jim Cornette is in the ring to interview the new, and first, Light Heavyweight Champion Taka Michinoku. Cornette says Jim Ross has been teaching Taka some English. They’re about to bring out his first challenger for the belt, but Jerry “The King” Lawler’s music start and out walks King.
King: “Let me tell you something right now, James E. Cornette. You are standing with an impostor. You’re interviewing a phony. He is not the true champion. He is a thief. He stole that title from Too Sexy Brian Christopher. He’s got no business being over here anyway. The only reason that Taka Michinoku is in this country is because there’s too many people in Japan. He has no business being over here, James E. Statistics will prove that somewhere in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby every four seconds. Now I’m gonna go over there, find that woman and put a stop to it so we won’t have people like this coming into our country. You understand what I’m saying? We don’t need you here.”
Yikes. Cornette tells King they’ve got an interview segment here and he’s gotta leave. Oh, wait. No he doesn’t. He says he appreciates the fact that King’s upset. Really? That’s your takeaway from what King just said, Cornette? Anyway, King continues.
King: “I don’t have anything against foreigners, but let me tell you this, you need to speak the English language. If you don’t speak the English language, you don’t need to be in our country, do you understand what I’m saying? And you certainly don’t need to be our champion!”
King: “Do you understand what I’m saying, huh? No, he doesn’t even understand. Do you even speak one word of English? Do you speak one word of English? Huh?”
Taka: “You jackass.”
King is pissed! He takes off his coat and crown, and he’s trying to get at Taka, but Cornette gets between them. He then brings out Taka’s first challenger for the title, El Unico.
King: “Now who’s this? Somebody you brought in from Mexico. We’ve got another illegal alien here. Look at him, he’s still dripping wet from swimming across the Rio Grande. You’ve got no business here either. Brian Christopher is the true champion. You need to just hightail it back to Mexico.”
King shoves Unico when he says that last line, and Unico shoves him back, dropping King to the mat. Unico and Taka get ready to team up on King. King says he’ll take them on two-on-one, but Unico attacks Taka from behind. He and King then stomp the champ for a bit. Unico takes his mask off, and it’s Brian Christopher, who climbs to the top rope while King sets Taka up for a piledriver. Christopher jumps off and rams Taka down to the mat.
Christopher lifts Taka up and piledrives him. King does the same. A bunch of referees run in and try to break it up while Christopher and King push them away and stomp on Taka some more.
Before going to break, Austin is shown doing as promised: eating a hot dog.
After a break, Flash Funk is in the ring. But first, they’re going to show us the start of the Destruction of the Hart Family, apparently. JR says it started on Sept. 20 at One Night Only in England, where Shawn Michaels beat British Bulldog in a European Championship match and just completely wrecked his knee using “every dirty trick in the book,” as JR says. Then last month Michaels beat Bret Hart for the WWF title in his hometown. And finally two weeks ago DX beat on Jim Neidhart after making him think he was going to join. And last night at D-Generation X, Owen Hart attacked Bret, evening up everything, apparently.
Flash Funk vs. Kurrgan the Interrogator (with Jackyl)
Kurrgan is the Interrogator’s new name. Jackyl joins the announcers’ table to say that tonight the revolution begins. Kurrgan clotheslines Flash a few times, somehow not taking Funk’s head off on any of them. Flash tries to mount something of an offense, but all his slaps and punches do nothing to this beast of a man. He absorbs all hits and turns them into yells, or something. It’s the worst superpower ever.
Kurrgan is beating Flash Funk so badly this match it’s practically racist. He gives Flash a huge big boot and then something called The Claw. Kurrgan takes his right hand, grabs Flash by the temple and slams him to the ground. Kurrgan doesn’t let go once Flash is down, though, he just keeps driving his hand into Flash’s skull.
Eventually he starts using his left hand, and then Flash faints/dies/has his soul stolen, earning a win for Kurrgan. We really don’t know. Kurrgan doesn’t let go after the bell rings. Recon and Sniper run out and try to pry Kurrgan off but he shoves them both away using just one arm. The bell rings again, and the ring announcer says the ref has reversed his decision and Flash Funk wins via disqualification. Jackyl slaps Kurrgan hard in the face, Kurrgan lets go and they laugh.
Backstage, Michael Cole stands by with Ken Shamrock, who won his match last night against Shawn Michaels via disqualification, meaning he didn’t win the WWF title. Cole says that’s probably not how he wanted it to end. Shamrock makes this face.
And says no, that’s not how he wanted it to end. Shamrock says it ain’t over, and he will get Michaels. Even if he has to join the Royal Rumble and go through 29 other men, that’s what he’ll do and he feels sorry for them.
After a commercial break, DX makes their way to the ring. Hunter Hearst Helmsley gets on the mic first so he can talk some shit to Sgt. Slaughter. He calls Slaughter pathetic and makes reference to fucking his wife again. Now it’s time for Michaels to insult Shamrock. He says the world’s most dangerous man wasn’t dangerous enough.
Michaels then says Owen Hart tried to rain on DX’s parade last night after Michaels beat Shamrock. He says everyone knows the DX has destroyed the Hart Foundation once and for all. And hey, look, it’s the least popular kid in middle school!
Michaels: “The Hart family, all of ‘em together, are like one big, huge, nasty, smelly, smokin’, stinkin’ turd. And you know when you look down into your hopper, when you look down into the toilet and you’ve got this big, huge, smelly, stinky turd, the first thing you think of, ‘good god, somebody please flush that.’ So D-Generation X thought we would do the fans of the World Wrestling Federation a favor and flush that big huge turd called the Hart family down the commode once and for all. But the thing is, and I’m sure we’ve all experienced it, we see that big huge smoking turd and it’s stinking up the entire house, and you flush that thing, and down it goes. But did you ever notice it all goes down, but one little small chunky little nugget always seems to come back up to the surface? You can flush and you flush all damn day, but that stupid stinky little nugget keeps coming back up. Owen Hart, you my friend you are that small little stinky stanky nugget that refuses to get flushed down the hopper.”
Shawn Michaels, plumber.
Michaels says he hasn’t seen Owen backstage yet, but he knows he’s somewhere. Until Owen comes out, DX is going to sit down at this table they set up in the ring and play strip poker.
Disciples of Apocalypse roll out on their motorcycles for some reason and it’s time for a commercial. After a break, the DX card game has moved out of the ring, and DoA is inside waiting for their opponents, Los Boricuas.
Skull and 8-Ball vs. Jose Estrada Jr. and Miguel Perez (with Savio Vega and Jesus Castillo)
I will hand it to the WWF. This is a great way to make a boring match we’ve seen every week for three months vaguely exciting. I’m still not going to try and tell 8-Ball and Skull apart, but I’m curious to see how DX gets involved in this match.
Skull and 8-Ball are in complete control of this one until Vega gets in the ring with a 2x4 and hits one of the bald guys while the ref’s back is turned. One of the other guys pins the other bald guy and Los Boricuas win.
After a commercial break, DX is back in the ring. They’re smoking cigars, drinking, eating chips and Chyna hasn’t lost a hand yet. She’s still fully dressed, unfortunately. She wins another hand, and Michaels is down to his boxer briefs. The Headbangers make their way to ring and tell DX to move. They don’t. The Headbangers flip the table! DX attacks! It’s a brawl! Michael smashes a bottle of something on Mosh’s head while Helmsley beats on Thrasher in the corner. Michaels grabs a chair and beats on Mosh a few times.
Michaels and Chyna lift Thrasher up to Helmsley, who’s sitting on the top rope in the corner, and he powerbombs Thrasher off and through their table.
They continue to beat the shit out of the Headbangers. Michaels then stands over one of the Headbangers and jiggles his balls.
Owen Hart runs through the crowd and tackles Michaels, landing a few punches while they’re both on the ground. Owen gets up and leaves through the crowd again.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Vader
Right after this one starts, Goldust and Luna walk down to ringside.
They stand there looking at Vader, and then Goldust opens his coat and flashes Vader!
Vader must’ve liked what he saw because he leaves the ring and chases them backstage. The ref counts Vader out, earning another hard-fought victory for Jeff Jarrett, who is an impressive 2-0 since returning to the WWF.
Salvatore Sincere vs. Marc Mero
Mero is noticeably without Sable, and the fans aren’t too happy about it. Mero gets on the mic and says he’s the greatest boxer-wrestler in the world. He’s pissed about fighting a jobber. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don’t talk to Sal Sincere like that!
Mero: “You see, Marvelous Marc Mero always wins, a jobber always loses. You are a jabroni. You are a nobody. In fact, you’re not Sal Sincere The Pizza Delivery Boy. Your name is Tom Brandy, and they gave you this stupid gimmick and you did. You should be ashamed of yourself.”
Oh shit. Fuck you, Sal Sincere!
Mero says everyone must be wondering where his “property” is. He says he’s going to bring out someone who can’t do a Merosault and has never been the Intercontinental champion. He brings out the “new and improved Sable.”
Ho. Lee. Shit. This is the hottest Sable’s ever looked. I can’t help looking at her. It’s too much. Is this what a strip club’s like? Mero tells her to disrobe him, and since Sable’s such a moron, she gets it wrong and disrobes herself.
Yuck. Mero flips out and tries to cover her back up. Sal dropkicks Mero out of the ring, and he takes Sable up the ramp and backstage. The bell rings, meaning Sal Sincere is the winner? Oh, that started the match. And now the bell rings, counting out Mero.
The Rock walks out, still waiting to see if Austin will put his Intercontinental title on the line, like McMahon ordered at the top of the show. A “Rocky sucks” chant breaks out. McMahon and a bunch of officials are at ringside.
Austin’s music starts and he walks out. He’s in jeans, though, not wrestling attire. McMahon says he doesn’t look like he’s ready to compete. Austin says he’s always ready to wrestle.
Austin says he had a few hot dogs and some “Steveweisers” and decided he’s not going to wrestle because he already whooped the Rock’s ass once. Austin wants to know what the consequences of not wrestling are. Will Vince fire him?
Maivia: “Vince, The Rock thinks you should fire him.”
McMahon says he’s not going to fire Austin, but he’ll strip Austin of the belt and give it to the Rock. Austin says if McMahon tries to take his belt, he’ll knock his teeth out. Austin says he’ll forfeit the title belt to the Rock because he’s decided to concentrate on the WWF title.
He gives Rock the Intercontinental belt and tells Rock they have to shake hands. Rock is apprehensive, but shakes his hand. Austin raises Rock’s hand triumphantly in what is a sweet moment.
For a few seconds.
Austin actually lets go of Rock’s hand, and lets the new champ walk away for a brief moment before chasing him down and giving him the Stone Cold Stunner.
Austin: “DTA, Rock, Don’t Trust Anybody. There’s your little Intercontinental champion, laying right there on his ass. You talk about your TV ratings, you send a cable crew with me because Steve Austin’s got plans for the belt and it ain’t got a damn thing to do with wrestling. All you’ve got to do is tune in next week same Stone Cold Time same Stone Cold channel.”
Austin steals the belt and walks out of the ring and partially up the ramp, turns around and gets back into the ring. McMahon stands on the ring apron, so Austin runs against the ropes, sending Vince flying to the ground.
He gets up and he is pissed.
Written by Adam Littman with help from David (Wm.) Murray